On life’s constant little limitations
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.
Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
On why we are scared of the dark
Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
On the unspoken truth behind the education system
Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
On the cruel reality of commercial art
Hobbes: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.
On the tragedy of hipsters
Calvin: The world bores you when you’re cool.
On the tears of a clown
Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
Calvin: (after a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
On the falling of sparrows (or providence’s lack of a timetable)
Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
On why winter is the cruellest of seasons
Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
On the gaping hole in contemporary art’s soul
Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
On playing Frankenstein with words
Calvin: Verbing weirds language.
On realising God is more Woody Allen than Michael Bay
Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
On why ET is real
Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
On looking yourself in the mirror
Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?
On the future
Calvin: Trick or treat!
Adult: Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak. Am I scary, or what?
On the truth
Calvin: It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy…Let’s go exploring!
On the secret of immortality: combine predestination with procrastination
Calvin: God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die.
On the perfect response to life’s most imperfect explanation
Calvin’s Dad: The world isn’t fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know Dad, but why isn’t it ever unfair in my favour?
On why water balloon fights should be compulsory after retirement
Calvin: My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while I’m so young
On why most super geniuses end up Bond villains with thermonuclear devices
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
On something we’ve all thought when confronted with an udder
Calvin: Who was the first guy that look at a cow and said, “I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?”
On mankind’s abusive relationship with nature’s wonder
Hobbes: If people could put rainbows in zoos, they’d do it.
On science’s next big adventure
Calvin: In my opinion, we don’t devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
On the ennui felt by those who long to get their morning coffee from Central Perk
Calvin: Why isn’t my life like a situation comedy? Why don’t I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren’t my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don’t my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems?… I gotta get my life some writers.
On the surprising similarities between principles and the New Year sales
Calvin: I don’t know which is worse: that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low.
On why we can’t gift wrap people
Hobbes: The best presents don’t come in boxes.
On why the Tea Party movement, like charity, begins at home
Calvin: Somewhere in Communist Russia I’ll bet there’s a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he’s heard of America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I’d like to meet that little boy… and tell him the awful TRUTH!
Calvin’s Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
On why history is not so much written by the victors, as rewritten by losers
Calvin: History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That’s why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
On why men’s definition of love hardly varies between six and 60
Calvin: If mom and dad cared about me at all, they’d buy me some infra-red night time vision goggles.
On the unexpected correlation between condiments and contentment
Calvin: If you can’t control your peanut butter, you can’t expect to control your life.
On why ‘edutainment’ is offensive to the human spirit and the English language
Calvin: Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
On the truth, again
Calvin: Things are never quite as scary when you’ve got a best friend.