Your crazy old divorced uncle is a Conservative. Your crazy young divorced aunt is a Liberal.
Liberals are concerned about economic inequality. Conservatives are confident that one day they’ll be rich.
Conservatives vote. Liberals don’t vote, but they urge their fellow like-minded liberals to get involved.
Liberals are honest about the complex issue of race. Conservatives “don’t see color.”
Conservatives don’t want to hear liberal Hollywood celebrities talk about politics. Liberals also don’t want to hear liberal Hollywood celebrities talk about politics.
Conservatives are enamored with conservative Hollywood celebrities who talk about politics. Liberals don’t know who those celebrities are. “You know- Nick Searcy. You’ve seen him. He’s on that show Justified. You know- Justified. It’s on FX. Well, I’m sure you’d know him if you saw him.”
Liberals are pro-choice. Conservatives had an abortion years ago, but now they’ve seen the light and don’t think other people should be allowed to have one.
Conservatives celebrate Christianity. Liberals celebrate Christmas.
Conservatives vote against their own self-interest. Liberals vote in the interest of their own self-loathing.
Liberals support good teachers. Conservatives support eliminating bad teachers.
Conservatives oppose violent Islamic extremism and the homophobic, misogynistic, oppressive ideals that it represents. Liberals oppose Israel.
Liberals, for the most part, support the Democratic Party platform of fair taxation, equal rights, and job creation. Conservatives, for the most part, support the Democratic Party platform of fair taxation, equal rights, and job creation.
Conservatives support free speech. Liberals support free speech unless it’s politically incorrect.
Conservatives watch FOX News for their news. Liberals watch FOX News for laughs. Both Conservatives and Liberals think that CNN is horrible. Nobody watches MSNBC for news.
Conservatives hate soccer. Liberals love soccer once every four years.
Liberals benefit from Obamacare and are disappointed with it. Conservatives benefit from Obamacare and want to get rid of it.
Conservatives watch race car driving for the crashes. Liberals would watch race car driving if there were more crashes.
Conservatives have lost interest in Sarah Palin. Liberals are still obsessed with her.
Liberals love having sex. Conservatives hate when other people have sex.
Conservatives try to get their Liberal Facebook friends to see the light. Liberals try to find out which of their Facebook friends is Conservative so that they can de-friend them.
Conservatives are disappointed with President Obama because he’s too liberal. Liberals are disappointed with President Obama because he’s not liberal enough. Moderates are disappointed with President Obama, though they can’t put their finger on why exactly.
Liberals believe in global warming because of the scientific data. Conservatives don’t believe in global warming because it felt a little nippy this morning.
Conservatives believe that we can stop global crimes against humanity though the use of military force. Liberals believe that we can stop global crimes against humanity by tweeting #StopGlobalCrimesAgainstHumanity.
Conservatives think that corporations create jobs. Liberals think that corporations create jobs in China.
Liberals think it takes a village to raise a child. Conservatives think it takes a family to raise a child. Children are actually being raised by their gymnastics coaches, TV, video games, and the Internet.
Conservatives think that unemployed people are responsible for the nation’s problems. Liberals think that unemployment is a result of the nation’s problems.
Conservatives support old-fashioned, traditional values. Liberals are into being edgy. Conservatives think that being edgy is lame… which it is.
Liberals oppose police brutality. Conservatives oppose police brutality unless the unarmed suspect appears “thuggish.”
Conservatives think schools should teach abstinence in high school health class. Liberals think schools should hand out free condoms in elementary school.
Liberals are funny. Conservatives are corny.
Conservatives are organized, reliable and polite. Liberals think that being disorganized, unreliable, and rude is part of their “charm.”
Liberals have a black friend. Conservatives know a black guy.
Liberals support people in menial jobs. Conservatives applaud people in menial jobs. People in menial jobs just want to be respected.
Conservatives don’t think they are homophobic because they started supporting gay marriage in 2012. Liberals know they’re not homophobic because they started supporting gay marriage in 2000.
Conservatives believe in God. Liberals believe that God created evolution.
Conservatives can’t name three judges on the Supreme Court. Liberals can’t name three judges on the Supreme Court. Both Conservatives and Liberals can name three cast members from The Walking Dead.
Liberals have a weak stance on immigration. Conservatives have a strong stance on immigration… but it’s evolving.
Conservatives are proudly uninformed. Liberals are proud to be informed about issues that nobody cares about.
Liberals are involved in sex scandals that ruin their career. Conservatives are involved in sex scandals that they get away with.
Conservatives support issues that help their families. Liberals support issues that help families.
Liberals love that the world of college academia is a place to share ideas. Conservatives hate that the world of college academia is a place where they can’t share their ideas. College students love that the world of college academia is a place where they can drink and have sex.
Conservatives support the troops by saying that they support the troops. Liberals say that saying you support the troops is not really supporting the troops. (actions speak LOUDER than words)
Conservatives like movies with action, violence and lots of explosions. Liberals like movies with action, violence lots of explosions, and characters we can care about.
Liberals believe in some elements of socialism. Conservatives hate socialism and they only believe in some elements of it.
Conservatives have a problem with women. Liberals have a problem with Conservative women.
Conservatives are friendlier than Liberals. Liberals are nicer than Conservatives.
Conservatives don’t want to be blamed for Ted Nugent. Liberals don’t want to be blamed for Rosie O’Donnell. Nobody wants to be blamed for the Kardashians.
Conservatives believe in the death penalty for all the people on death row. Liberals are opposed to the death penalty because they believe all the people on death row are poor.
Conservatives are more physically attractive than Liberals, but Liberals are sexier.
Liberals have a better personality than Conservatives, but they’re condescending about it… which is an ugly personality trait.
Liberals don’t trust the media unless it’s “alternative” media because if it’s “alternative,” it must be trustworthy. Conservatives don’t trust the media because the media they watch and listen to tells them not to trust the media.
Liberal billionaires use their money to support worthy causes. Conservative billionaires use their money to support Conservative causes.
Liberals show their compassion by helping others. Conservatives think they are showing compassion by not helping others.
Conservatives are afraid of not having guns (unless the gun is in the hand of a liberal). Liberals are afraid of Conservatives with guns.
Conservatives love the past but fear the future. Liberals are afraid of their past AND fear the future.
Liberals are full of crap because they don’t really believe what they say. Conservatives are full of crap because they truly believe what they say.
There are good Liberals and bad Liberals. There are good Conservatives and bad Conservatives. Serial killers are apolitical.
Liberals like to have fun. Conservatives like to have fun. Liberals and Conservatives like to have fun with each other… unless they’re talking about politics… or especially when they’re talking about politics.