Lessons taught by my friend Jeff (and he doesn’t know it).
If you say you’ve never lied to your kid, you’re probably, well, lying your ass off. Your lie may have been as innocuous as “there isn’t any ice-cream left” or as significant as “Fluffy went to live on a farm,” but face it: The judiciously deployed lie is as much a part of a parent’s arsenal as hand sanitizer and string cheese.
Hey, Quit playing on the stairs, My friend Jeff was playing on the stairs and he fell. Broke Both his arms.
When my daughter was having nightmares about witches-I once told her that there was no need to worry about witches — they all live in NY with Jeff.
Whenever I heard the telltale click of one of my kids unbuckling their seat belt, I would tell the the story of how JEFF was riding in a car without his seatbelt and fell out of the car. Now he has a plate in his head.
My son went through a stage where he only ate PB and J. In order to get them to diversify his diet, I told him that my friend JEFF ate only Peanut Butter and it killed all his taste buds.
If you drink your milk, you’ll grow big and tall! My friend JEFF Never drank milk and he is only 4 1/2 feet tall.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. If you do your eyes will fall out. JEFF tried to. Although his eyes didn’t fall out, he did shit himself.
Hey! Stop playing with that rope in the tree. My friend Jeff almost hung himself once. He still has the scar on his neck.
Keep your hands on the handle bars when you ride. My friend Jeff was riding his bike without his hands and wiped out. He broke his leg so bad, he limps to this day.
You really shouldn’t run with that stick in your hand. My friend Jeff was running with a stick. He fell down and poked his eye out.
When my kids were old enough to begin to drive, there were so many more things to worry about. Thankfully there was always JEFF to teach the lessons.
You need to check the tire pressure at least weekly. Under inflated tires are unpredictable at best. JEFF would never check his tire pressure. He flipped his car over. He is lucky to be alive.
Now with one child in college and one finishing up high school I wonder what lessons there will be for Jeff to teach them.
One day I want my kids to meet Jeff. To see that he survived. and that maybe I have lied to them a bit. (Which will be apparent when they see that he is normal size, has both eyes, has no noticeable scars on his neck, his arms and legs have not been badly misshapen and that he doesn’t have a plate in his head.)