Your Drink of Choice Says Something About You

Dear Maddie,

I know you are not a drinker. But you are in your 3rd year at the University and someday you may be. It is important that you really consider what “YOUR DRINK” will be. People will judge you by what you drink. Reality is that:

Your cocktail says something about you.

I am pretty much a wine or beer drinker. On occasion I will order a mixed drink. But even with that I keep it simple (A Gin and Tonic or an Old Fashion). What you drink says a lot about you. For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a boilermaker says you appreciate knowing where your pants are. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you sidle up to the bar and place your order, you open a window onto your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.


Bellini  You have a tab at Olive Garden.
Bloody Mary  You enjoy music, long walks on the beach, and the occasional stabbing spree.
Cosmopolitan  You didn’t start drinking until after your first divorce, and didn’t start really enjoying it until after your second.
Fuzzy Navel  You’re comfortable with who you are, but you’re the only one.
Gimlet  Something about your personality makes otherwise normal people use words like “bounder” and “cad.”
Green Tea Martini  You believe in sustainable living, except for that time you backed over a baby seal in your Passat.
Harvey Wallbanger  You, or someone a lot like you, will inspire Alcoholics Anonymous to abandon the twelve-step program in favor of indiscriminate Tasing.
Jäegerbomb  High school was the best six years of your life.
Kentucky Colonel  Your music collection includes a CD of jug band favorites.
Lime Rickey  You have no real love for the drink itself, but for reasons known only to yourself, you enjoy the suffering of limes.
Long Island Iced Tea  No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.
Man Tai  You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.
Manhattan  You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the oafs pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are getting all the best trim.
Margarita  All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.
Mimosa  There’s a song in your heart and diet pills in your purse.
Mint Julep  You own your own dueling pistols and aren’t afraid to use them.
Old Fashioned  Every significant event in your life has taken place on either a porch or a patio.
Orgasm  You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.
Piña Colada  You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 50% wig.
Raging Bull  You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as this kick-ass song is over, just wait.
Sidecar  No one is accusing you of anything, but you’ve buried a suspiciously large number of husbands.
Singapore Sling  You learned to drink from your mother.
Tequila Slammer  You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.
Tom Collins  You aspire to a life of quiet dignity, but will settle for a life of quiet desperation.
Zombie  No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.



About tretrosi2013

Gymnastics Coach, Gymnastics Educator, Part time stand up comic.
This entry was posted in Advice, Bar, Daughter, drinks and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Your Drink of Choice Says Something About You

  1. Steve Schoenbaechler says:

    I consider myself ecletic. As in, I will drink most anything at least once. My preference would probably be wine coolers. Though, I do like the Captain America shots from Lake Owen.

    But, even more important to me is “when” you drink. Only on very rare occasions will I ever drink and drive. Two reasons, #1, most obvious, the consideration of drinking and driving. Very hazardous, very dangerous. It just isn’t worth it. #2, the money. First, it costs a lot to drink the alcohol. I’ve seen people waste $50 or more in one night drinking without batting an eye. Second, I’ve learned that at many of the bars, they will give free refills on the soft drinks. So, where some may spend on average $50 per night drinking, I’m saving a wad of money spending no more than $3, for instance, on the initial coke and getting free refills all night long.

  2. Joe Toshach says:

    I don’t always drink, but when I do, it’s to excess.

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