While doing some estate planning I had to come up with a LIVING WILL. Like many of you, I have been compelled by recent events to prepare a MORE DETAILED advance directive dealing with end-of-life issues.
Here’s what I came up with:
I, Anthony A Retrosi, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of dickhead politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.
- If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to sit up and ask
- Glass of wine,
- Gin and Tonic,
- Ice cream,
it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my wife, family, parents, friends and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the legislature, total strangers, oily politicians, maudlin news anchors, ersatz friars and all other hangers-on – start calling me “Tony” as if they had known me since childhood. Legislatures will not be allowed to enact a special law (Tony’s Law) to keep me on any form of life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own goddamn business, and pay attention to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a permanent coma.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.
If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.
If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as “Mr. Trump.”
Do not resuscitate me before noon.If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.
If I no longer respond to loved ones’ attempts at communication, ask them about the last time we were in the car together.
Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them as they are thrown from the top of the building.
If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played by Leonardo DiCaprio in the Movie Version.
If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled with Rock, Paper, Scissors.
If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, Please refer to me as “Ben Carson” and I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.
If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled “Tuesdays with Tony”:
i. Treasure every moment.
ii. Love everyone.
iii. If you bought this in hardcover, you’re an idiot.
In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.
Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my jokes.
If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until after the couple with the double stroller was at least a block away.
Rob- You have the important job of deleting my Browser History
I would like Keith Richards to play a Solo (he will out live all of us)
and no crying.