The People You Meet at the Gym

I workout pretty much everyday. I am not training for anything. I’m just trying to look good naked. Lately It has been a losing battle. I see pretty much the same people at any gym I work out at. No matter WHERE I happened to be at the time. Whether I am in Iceland, Italy, Australia or anywhere through out North America, I see the same type of people.

The person wearing Sandals of any fashion

This person is probably lost and eligible for free lunch at the senior center. They thought they were going to pick up their cousin from the airport. Oh look, a seat. Cool, this chair has moving parts. They are working out — not correctly or efficiently. More important than the single tendon in use is that they are in every single person’s way, but are too oblivious to realize it. When people ask if they can utilize the machine for its intended purpose — they stare blankly, as though there is a two way mirror separating your faces. WE SEE YOU.

Overdressed Button down shirt guy. 
Lunch work outOnce the sight of your button down shirt hits my eyes, it is automatically assumed that you came straight from work, overly caffeinated and stressed, to the gym. Button down bowflexers are sweating before they start moving. Yea, your heart rate is up and that is wonderful, but it might explode. Take a night off. Go run the streets screaming about stocks, or whatever you’re falsely passionate about at the moment.

Sunglasses Guy or Girl
You are actively drunk. I enjoy sunglasses guy because nothing on earth would be more refreshing in a dank, crowded, sweaty gym than cracking open an ice cold can of beer. Carry on. But don’t touch me.

The Beauty Queens
These girls only do cardio. And I say girl because if you wear 5 inch diameter bamboo earrings on the treadmill, you have the courage, stupidity and inherent disregard for surrounding human eyeballs that only a child possesses. A hair tie is an option for this girl. And she wears more makeup than most wear on their wedding day. In addition to the RuPaul-at-an-awards-show quantity of paint on your face, you are probably/definitely showing the vast majority of skin on your body and/or wearing those shorts that go up your crack. Stretching deliberately in an awkward place. Pretending you don’t want attention.
You’ll spot her on the cross trainer or stair master – she’ll be the one glistening or spritzing. A beauty queen doesn’t sweat, you see. So enjoy your uncomfortable, impractical gym ensemble. And when I get Lasik I can read what snarky, grammatically incorrect saying on your shirt. Bless your heart child, for you are our future. ::ahem, Darwin::

The Nudist grew up in a much more liberal household than you. They swan about the locker room in nothing at all, making the rest of us feel super uncomfortable.
Your eyes will dart around the room, searching for anything to rest on except the naked person who seems like they’re EVERYWHERE. YOU. LOOK.

Old Guy who NEEDS to wear underwear 

I am glad you are confident enough to let it all hang out and maybe you like the breeze. But you are something I can never UNSEE.

In addition to the above atrocities — I have witnessed the following:
-A woman in a full suit and coat walking a treadmill. Just walk outside where this is acceptable.
-An open family size bag of chips on the floor, Twix wrappers, etc. You’re conflicted. Go home.
PFWhen this guy said he spent 45 minute on the treadmill before work, I am not sure this is what people thought.

About tretrosi2013

Gymnastics Coach, Gymnastics Educator, Part time stand up comic.
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2 Responses to The People You Meet at the Gym

  1. Rob Clerkin says:

    Judgement Free Zone?? I think now sir!

  2. Rob Clerkin says:

    I think not sir!

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