My daughter is away at the University. I am really looking forward to having her home for Thanksgiving.
For the rest of you college students who will be traveling home for Thanksgiving here are some ways to freak your family out.
1. Shave your head.
2. Shave your eyebrows.
3. Shave your head and shave your cat and impersonate Dr. Evil all night. Bonus points if you find someone to play Mini Me.
4. Shave your grandmother’s head and tell everyone she’s having a Britney Spears circa 2007 moment.
5. Basically just shave everyone’s heads.
6. Get a neck tattoo.
7. Get a neck tattoo of Justin Bieber.
8. Announce you’re joining a nunnery.
9. Announce you’re joining a brothel.
10. Announce you’ve been selected to fight for the love of your life on the upcoming season of “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette.”
11. Instead of saying grace, ask for a few moments to repent for your sins at the table.
12. Instead of saying grace, sing the lyrics to Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love.”
13. While slicing the turkey, softly whisper to the meat, “Do you like that?”
14. Loudly exclaim “YUM!” with every bite you take.
15. Hide the turkey and tell everyone that the bird came back to life and escaped.
16. Arrive wearing a meat dress à la Lady Gaga.
17. Show up naked.
18. Aggressively chew your food with your mouth open, preferably while making distinct sounds.
19. Grab the wine bottle and start chugging.
20. Whip out a funnel and start funneling wine into your mouth.
21. When your mom asks you to bring dessert, show up with pumpkin pie-flavored vodka and scream “Shots on me, bitches!”
22. When your mom asks you to bring pie, show up with a giant marijuana edible. Bonus- Don’t tell anyone.
23. Tell everyone you got fired. This only works if you did not.
24. Tell everyone you got fired for sleeping with your boss’ spouse.
25. Tell everyone you quit your job to go live on a cow farm in Argentina.
26. Tell everyone you quit your job to pursue your true passion to become a world renown beatboxer.
27. Declare that you met the love of your life on Craigslist.
28. When your parents ask you why you never bring a date to Thanksgiving dinner, tell them you did have a date this year but they got arrested and couldn’t make bail.
29. Get grills on your teeth and say you go by Miley now.
30. Show up to the dinner in full pilgrim garb.
31.Launch a rebellion from the kids table.
32. Speak in Pirate for the entire meal.
33. Every time someone asks you to pass a dish, scream “NO! You’re not the boss of me!” and keep eating.
34. As soon as the turkey is placed on the table, lick the entire bird in front of everyone.
35. When you see the turkey, start hysterically crying for all the killed turkeys and beg your entire family to become vegetarian.
36. Spank your grandmother’s bottom every time you walk past her.
37. Turn to your sibling when they’re next to your father and whisper in their ear, “Who’s YOUR daddy?”
38. Tell your parents about every person you slept with in college and how much fun you had.
39. Tell your mother you’re never planning on having children. This only works if you are.
40. Show up with a pet snake around your neck and strut around the table singing “Slave 4 U” by Britney Spears.
41. Get your grandpa high as a kite.
42. Pick up the turkey, hug it passionately, and say: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
43. Strategically place fake bugs all over the food and watch everyone flip their sh-t.
44. Place your bare feet on the table and start clipping your toenails.
45. Eat without using your hands.
46. Flick a spoonful of mashed potatoes onto the relative sitting directly across from you and scream “Food fight!”
47. Tell your parents you’re voting for Trump.