I sat down today to write. I came up with nothing. Not one damn thing of any importance. All I could think of was ideas and inventions.
1. Extending USB cord: There must be USB plug that can stretch. The way a dogs leash will release more cord as it is pulled on.
2. Hangover Curing Drink: Stronger than Gatorade, better for you than pumping your stomach with Advil and water, and putting an end to the old “flu” excuse at work. A foolproof drink that can give everyone what they need to get up, pick their dignity off the floor, and soldier on. You all may thank me later.
3. Parking Tracker: What is it about parking garages that suddenly make everyone’s memory go blank? Whatever the reason for the world’s inability to keep track of their cars once stationary, it needs to be resolved. Too many minutes are lost aimlessly wandering the garage carrying heavy shopping bags. Please, someone invent a tracking app for your car, so that you can remember exactly where you parked.
4. Forever-Hot Coffee Mug: I’m not sure what type of wizardry would be required to create a coffee mug that can abolish the awful lukewarm state that coffee turns into after such a short period of time, but someone needs to discover it.
5. Calorie rewind. Remember that pepperoni pizza you ate last night? Whether you were not in the proper state of mind to be making that decision, or even if it was emotional turmoil over the Giants losing; it shouldn’t count. Perhaps the next big thing in weightloss is a pill that allows you to take back a meal. A way to go back in time and undo that embarrassing trip to the doughnut shop down the road in favor of a more healthy alternative? Not a bad idea.
6. Sleepy-Time Studying: How awesome would it be if you could fall asleep with headphones in and wake up knowing an entire textbook? Humans spend an average of 26 years sleeping– there should be a way to put that time to good use. A way to absorb the information while you sleep should be the next big invention. It would be the perfect cure to the all nighter!
Wouldn’t it be great if:
You could clear snow from your driveway with a flamethrower.
You could rollover more than just minutes on a cell phone plan.
There were reclining chairs and hot towels at the airport.
There were built in bottle openers on the side of 6 packs like the sharpener on the side of a box of crayons.
How about a 10% discount when you do the self check out lane.
Toll booths that double as recycling centers. You could pay your toll with empties!
There were count down timers during the previews at the movies. That way you knew if you had time to go get a pop corn or go pee.
There were slides (preferably twisty slides) at school or work. If you bomb a test or get yelled at by your boss you can go down the slide.
At a party people were issued buttons or a badge that listed their dating status. There would also be little Blood alcohol content reader.
There was a reverse microwave that made things colder fast.
There was an oops button on the elevator in case you push the wrong button.
There was a margarita truck that would operate like an ice cream truck. Picture adults running down the street with money in their hand.
A movie and tv show rating system based on how awkward it will be to watch with your kids.
Just some thoughts when I should have been being more productive.