An Update to The Boy Scout Handbook

“The Boy Scouts of America sought to distance itself Tuesday from President Donald Trump’s highly political speech to tens of thousands of Scouts, after parents criticized the speech and the organization.” — Business Insider, 7/25/17

– – –

CHAPTER 45:
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A
TRUMP JAMBOREE SPEECH

The BSA has adopted the following regulations for the safety and well-being of its troops and adult leaders in the event of another speech by President Trump.

1. Two-deep leadership required for a speech ranging from 10 to 45 minutes in length
A minimum of two registered adult leaders, or one registered adult leader and one parent must be present to act as a safe, logic-based touchstone should the speech cross over into inane, divisive ranting.

2. The buddy system should be used at all times, but only if the “buddies” can see past their political differences
For example, if one “buddy” simply refuses to let go of the Clinton email scandal, even in light of Jared Kushner’s email correspondence with Russia, and the other is holding his ears, closing his eyes, and rocking himself to keep from crying, they should probably be assigned different buddies.

3. Any signs of bullying must be stopped immediately
Since the instigator of said bullying will likely be the president himself, and thus cannot be stopped immediately, all other incidents of bullying should be strictly monitored. If the response to reprimand is, “But the president’s doing it, so I can do it,” do not follow up with, “Well, if the president said it’s okay to shoot anyone you don’t like, would you?”

4. Pursuing the Public Health badge is encouraged
Should fellow scouts or adult leaders feel queasy or light-headed during the president’s speech, scouts should consider it a medical emergency, and follow life-saving procedures as outlined in their Public Health manuals. Similar lengths should be taken for anyone arguing in support of the ACA health care bill.

5. Taking notes on public speaking for the Public Speaking badge is NOT encouraged
See all previous speeches given by POTUS.

6. Take safety precautions in the event of an emergency
Emergencies include fire, extreme weather, and angry mob storming the stage because they just can’t take this ridiculous bullshit any longer. Should any of these occur, calmly direct people to the nearest exits, personally assisting the elderly and the disabled.

7. Inappropriate use of smartphones, cameras, imaging, or digital devices is prohibited
Even if it’s to prove to your parents that the president actually uttered the crazy, insulting, might-as-well-be-a-raving-lunatic-shouting-at-inanimate-objects drivel the news said he did.

8. All complaints of POTUS’ speech must be directed to the official Boy Scouts of America Facebook page.
Where they’ll be promptly ignored.

Source: An Update to The Boy Scout Handbook – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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About tretrosi2013

Gymnastics Coach, Gymnastics Educator, Part time stand up comic.
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